Seventeen years ago I stood in my bathroom holding a positive pregnancy test. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. I was absolutely terrified of the phone calls I would have to make to my family. Nothing about that time in my life was easy, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
I keep thinking about my grandmother during that time. She was the only person who was happy for me. She was the only one who made me feel like everything was going to be okay. Her joy pulled me through those early days. I remember she offered to buy me maternity clothes and she wanted so badly to send me something. A few years ago I called my grandmother and thanked her for being the best grandmother anybody could ever ask for. I bawled my eyes out for hours after I hung up. My grandmother is in the final stages of Alzheimer's and I knew that conversation was my way of saying goodbye while she could still understand. I am so glad I had that conversation with her. Incidentally, she told me I am her favorite. I had no doubt.
At 21 my best friend was this tiny girl who made me feel like the luckiest person in the world. I still feel unfairly blessed by these kids of mine. All I ever wanted to be was a mom, so thanks for that Kayla, Madison, and Eric. I hope that through your life I will be the one who makes you feel like everything will be alright.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Highschool
I guess I wrote this Fall 2013 and never published it...
Kayla started highschool. That's so strange! I have a hard time feeling like I'm getting older, but its hard to deny that my kids are certainly growing up! So Kayla, here's what I need to tell you:
Dear Kayla,
I can't believe we're here. I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me every time I think about how close you are to moving away for college. Where did all the time go? I know people say this all the time, but it really does seem like you were just a baby a few days ago. As we begin this next chapter I need you to understand how hard this is for me.
Your entire life I have shielded you from harm. I have bought the safest car seats, read ingredient labels, and crept into your room late at night just to see you breathe. Do you know how many nights I stood and watched you breathe? You used to be so small, and you would get so sick. I would wake in a panic and run to your room just to make sure you were okay. Last week I had a nightmare. I knew I was being irrational, I knew you were fine, but I stood by your bed and traced the outline of your body with my eyes. All there, all okay. I repeated the process with Madison and Eric, then I checked the doors and windows and finally went back to bed.
Kayla, I am going to try really hard to let you make mistakes. I am going to try to step back and let you learn about consequences. I've been doing this in small ways your whole life, but it seems more important now. So I'll loosen up the reigns, but its going to be so difficult for me. I need you to understand that there will be moments when I will have to say no. You're going to be angry, and at least once you'll swear I exist to make you miserable. Please know that I just want be the best mom I can be, and sometimes that means I can't be your friend.
Kayla started highschool. That's so strange! I have a hard time feeling like I'm getting older, but its hard to deny that my kids are certainly growing up! So Kayla, here's what I need to tell you:
Dear Kayla,
I can't believe we're here. I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me every time I think about how close you are to moving away for college. Where did all the time go? I know people say this all the time, but it really does seem like you were just a baby a few days ago. As we begin this next chapter I need you to understand how hard this is for me.
Your entire life I have shielded you from harm. I have bought the safest car seats, read ingredient labels, and crept into your room late at night just to see you breathe. Do you know how many nights I stood and watched you breathe? You used to be so small, and you would get so sick. I would wake in a panic and run to your room just to make sure you were okay. Last week I had a nightmare. I knew I was being irrational, I knew you were fine, but I stood by your bed and traced the outline of your body with my eyes. All there, all okay. I repeated the process with Madison and Eric, then I checked the doors and windows and finally went back to bed.
Kayla, I am going to try really hard to let you make mistakes. I am going to try to step back and let you learn about consequences. I've been doing this in small ways your whole life, but it seems more important now. So I'll loosen up the reigns, but its going to be so difficult for me. I need you to understand that there will be moments when I will have to say no. You're going to be angry, and at least once you'll swear I exist to make you miserable. Please know that I just want be the best mom I can be, and sometimes that means I can't be your friend.
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