4-27-18

So Kayla tells me you're the one. The other day I told her if that's true she should keep a diary and write down all the little memories. I wish somebody had told me to write more when I was younger, I'd love to look back at all of those moments from the viewpoint of a much younger Stacey. Anyway, the thought occurred to me today that maybe I should write you letters. I'll never publish these and I'll probably never tell you about them, but here they are. I guess it'll just have to remain to be seen what use they have.

The thing is, if you are "the one" and you truly love my daughter, I'll love you too. I don't know why, but I never considered that some day I would have more children to love and look after. The very thought makes me instantly anxious. I once watched a momma duck try to get her ducklings across a busy road and I immediately felt her pain and fear. When you have one duckling its scary but not so difficult. The more ducklings the scarier. If you  are "the one" I'm glad I acquired you when you were (mostly) able to cross the street without my help.

Seeing my daughter in love is also scary. The more you gain, the more you stand to lose. I want to trust that you will see her for exactly who she is and will always love her, but that's just something I'll have to wait and see. It seems so strange to even be thinking about these things only one month in, but hearing her say that she wants you to be her best friend forever is new. She's had strong feelings before, but she's never talked about a boy the way she talks about you. She tells me you think she's the one you'll marry and who am I to judge if you're right or wrong? I don't know anybody with a loving marriage who didn't meet when they were very young. So who knows? I guess we wait and see.

My anxiety has had me wound up lately. I know if you break her heart she will survive, I just don't know who will be left where she once stood. She wants the fairy tale. She is optimistic and a hopeful (not hopeless) romantic, but I don't know how much her young heart can take. My greatest fear for her is losing the love of her life. I can't decide what would be worse, losing him to death or watching him walk away. So for her sake I hope you are the one who never walks away. All of this feels so heavy and I don’t mean for it to be. Kayla’s just been through so much and it’s an awful feeling knowing I can’t protect her from heartbreak.

When I met you I could instantly feel your anxiety. Your cheeks turned pink and you couldn't figure out what to do with yourself. Kayla was in her own anxiety spiral and offered you no support while she laughed awkwardly and stuffed her face with fried okra. I could feel you wanting to be closer to her but also afraid to touch her in front of me. The voice in my head was screaming at me to leave so you two could come back down to Earth. I hated feeling like I intimidated you but I was completely won over every time you called me "ma'am" and shyly made eye contact. I regret telling you that you could "stop ma'aming me". I felt like I embarrassed you and I should have just left you alone. It was my own awkward attempt to diffuse the anxiety in the room. Stella told me how much she likes you and her opinion carried weight with me.

The second time we met you were much more at ease and it was nice to see you be more relaxed. I asked Kayla before we met to stay by your side this time and be that support system through these awkward moments. Every siren in my head was going off watching her with you. I've seen her with other boyfriends and I've never seen her like this. It scares the hell out of me.  I see how far my daughter can fall and she's only getting higher. She tells me you asked if I said anything about that night and I'm absolutely touched that you care what I think. This means you really like her, I guess. I know you're just kids. I know you could wake up tomorrow and change your mind about everything and (depending on how you handled that) I wouldn't hate you for that. Its just that my silent prayer is that you are the one my daughter has been waiting for. Please don't break her. You are incredibly lucky to be so loved by her.

What you should know about Kayla

I've been writing this in my head for so long and now that I'm sitting in front of the computer I can't seem to figure out how to put this all down. I want to write something about Kayla, about who she is and what people should know about her. Where do I start? 

As a baby Kayla was big! She was round and had chubby cheeks and she was fearless. Kayla was fiercely independent. She didn't need help with anything and would stubbornly insist on doing everything by herself. Kayla was also sick a lot. She was allergic to so many things and when she got sick she would get very sick. I was always scared of losing her. I would do anything to make her smile.

Elementary school was awful. Looking back now it seems so obvious that she had ADD. She was brilliant, maxing out scores on all of her mandated testing. She could draw detailed pictured when she was 3, light years ahead of her peers. She was still stubborn and fierce and exhausting. She couldn't be punished because nothing worked. She was happy to talk to her hands when all of her toys were taken away. The Kayla show was 24/7/365. Kayla performed in her school's annual talent show every single year. She sang songs and in 5th grade she choreographed a hula hoop dance with Madison. People went nuts. She was never afraid, she never backed down. 

Middle school is when things got a lot easier for me. Kayla hated boys (fine by me) and had a handful of good friends. She was awkward and nerdy and no amount of hinting could get her to not take a fashion risk I knew she'd regret someday. I didn't want to change her even if her ensemble made me cringe. I loved that she felt so confident with her style and I envied her bravery. When her peers had boyfriends Kayla was making stop-motion videos with her dolls. She was a late bloomer who loved Girl Scouts and sleep-away summer camp. She would have lived on the mountain all summer long if I had the funds to send her. Kayla has this amazing ability to go into a space where she doesn't know anybody and she just owns the space.

Kayla started high school short and underweight. She was maybe 90lbs and shorter than her peers. She still had very little interest in dating. Looking back I really miss those days. I miss my awkward skinny kid who did puzzles with me and only worried about what color rubber bands to get on her braces next. Things were simple then. It was sophomore year when things started to change dramatically for Kayla. She grew overnight and had her first boyfriend (it lasted a couple months). Junior year she cut her hair off and we couldn't go in public without somebody stopping me to tell me how beautiful she was. I remember becoming aware of the effect she had on boys and even men. She was taller than me and looked older than her actual age and she was devastatingly beautiful. 

Kayla had her first real boyfriend her Junior year. The heartbreak that boy put her through changed her. He broke her down and all I could do was watch as she put herself back together. I was so proud of the strong person she became because of that. Her senior year was so exciting. I was equal parts terrified and proud. The next relationship she had came to an end because she realized he wasn't what she wanted or needed. That was a huge step for her and I loved watching her come into her own. 

She's in college now and I couldn't be more proud of her. At the end of the day, here's what you need to know about Kayla as she is right now (but I doubt much will change over time): Kayla is stubborn and bossy and convinced she knows the best way to do most things. She is kind and brave and incredibly loyal. Kayla has integrity and she isn't afraid to have the tough conversations. Kayla is not the kind of girl you leave. Every single boy she ever dated (even very briefly) has tried to come back into her life after messing up. And I do mean every single guy, down to the boy she dated for a few days in 8th grade. Kayla is forgiving, but she's not stupid. I mean, sometimes I have to kick her in the butt and remind her of who she is, but she would have gotten there on her own eventually. 

Kayla makes a lot of mistakes and unfortunately she (quite often) doesn't learn the lesson until she's learned it the hard way. Kayla is optimistic and hopeful. She gets all mushy for babies and kittens and puppies. Kayla believes in the fairy tale and she deserves every single bit of it. She makes me a better person every single day. Kayla is my best friend and the reason I believe in God.