I'm flying to DC today for a job interview. I am kind of scared. I know all the rational things about flying safety and I've seen the statistics for becoming a random victim of homicide. Anxiety is my constant companion.
I just can't stand the idea of my children growing up with out me. It's a painful, horrible thing to go through life without a parent who adored and cherished you. I don't want my kids to know that pain. I wish somebody could promise me that someday I'd be a very old lady and I'd have my children with me to celebrate that fact. I want to be one of the lucky ones, the ones who grow old and watch their children grow old too. I want to be a grandmother and hopefully a great grandmother too.
Mostly I just want to be around to help my children get through this incredibly difficult thing we call life. I want to be the safety net that allows them to take risks and know that when they fall I will be there to help them put the pieces back together. I want them to know what it feels like to be safe. I think it must be an amazing feeling to have a dad who loves you, it must feel like the world is a little safer.
So I'm flying to a crazy big city, and I am so proud of myself for taking this leap. I've missed weddings and new babies because I was too afraid to leave. I need to not be afraid. It's just so tempting to cling tightly to my amazing, beautiful children. They make me so happy. I love them so much it feels like I can't breathe when I think about it.
Anxiety is this awful beast. Sometimes I wonder if I really have an anxiety disorder or if I'm just one of those people that knows all to well just how painful life can be. I think about people who suffer PTSD and I think maybe that's the normal way to behave when you've seen horrible, unimaginable things. When the veil is pulled back and the realities of this world are exposed, wouldn't we all shrink away in fear? I just don't want my kids to know those things. You are my most favorite part of everything.
