I draft posts all the time in my head, I just haven't made it to the blog in way too long.
I was just sitting here in my empty house (day off, kids at school) thinking about how much you kids mean to me. Eric has been saying things like, "Please don't ever leave/die". Oh Eric, how you break my heart. I don't ever want to leave you, and I'm going to do my best to hang around for a very long time. Sometimes when you're asleep I whisper, "please don't ever leave me", I don't think I'll survive it.
When you lose somebody like I have, you always feel just a whisper away from the deep and hopeless grief. I just can't go back there. Losing a child would destroy me. You all know I suffer from anxiety, and I can safely say that 50% is because I'm scared of leaving you, and 50% is because I am scared I'll lose one of you. I hate how this feels. I want to be one of those people living life in this ignorant bliss. I want to let you run around in the front yard while I read a magazine on the couch, but I can't. It paralyzes me, this fear. It eats me up, steals my sleep, and sucks the joy out of ordinary moments.
So, I try to breathe deep. Sometimes I just fake it. I pretend that I'm just enjoying the moment with you, but I'm really scanning for danger. Admitting that out loud is awful. Being aware that I do this just gives me another reason to beat myself up, because I realize that if I do leave early, I didn't enjoy the moments I had. So, my goal lately is to just relax and enjoy the moments. I want to stop thining about what might happen and just enjoy what is happening.
My sweet babies, you really are the most amazing 3 kids I have ever known. I've met a lot of kids, I know what I'm talking about. You are the best part of every day, and I wish I could promise you that one day we'll be old together.
