words I never want to forget

Pantawears: a combo of panties and underwear (madison).
Comfty: I think this was a Kayla word
my love you: spoken by each kid at some point
I need somebody to cuddle me!: Eric says this every morning, and once when he was watching a scary movie


There's so many more, but my mind is drawing a blank right now. I'll have to add more as I remember them!

Sweet

I've been thinking about these pictures a lot lately. There's this sweet quality to them that I adore. This is my Maddie. My sweet Maddie girl.

This is a tough one...

I've been drafting this post in my head for months, maybe years. I figure I just need to start typing and maybe everything I want you to know about this subject will find its way in.

I'll start at the beginning. In the early eighties I remember becoming aware that my uncle was different. He was gay. Perhaps more importantly, I knew that my dad and my aunts and my grandmother adored him. I didn't know anything about homophobia, I just knew that my uncle was really funny. I have these fuzzy memories of him telling stories and my dad just laughing and laughing. They were both very funny people. I remember staying at my uncle's house, I remember his boyfriend. As an adult I have looked back on these memories and I see the lesson in them. My father was a young minister who made the decision to love and embrace his brother despite what the church was undoubtedly telling him. They had a special bond, and it taught me everything I needed to know from such a young age.

So I need you to know this: I don't care who you decide to love. Well I do care, it's just that all I care about is that they love you back the way you deserve to be loved. If somebody loves you that way, know that they will occupy a space in my heart. As much as I might forget from time to time, its just not about me. I'm not going to build walls and barriers and tell you which way you should go. I won't cut you out of my life or make you feel ashamed, and I will fight for your right to do anything you want to do. What I'm saying is,  I love you without any strings attached.

I have no idea if any of you are gay, I just know that I need to start preparing the world to be a much kinder and gentler place for you if you are. Because, that's my job. My job is to make this world a safe place for you to be who you are. So I'll keep doing that for as many days as I am blessed to be your mom. You deserve it.

Dear Maddie,

The other day we were hanging out in the kitchen after you got home from school. Eric was sleeping on the couch and we were making a snack. Out of nowhere you hugged me from behind. Being silly and self-conscious I said, "Yep! That's my butt!" In the sweetest and most sincere voice you replied, "I don't care, I just want to hug you." I felt so ashamed of my initial reaction. Being hugged is hard for me, maybe I'll tell you about that some day.

I've said before that Kayla (being my first baby) taught me what love is, but you continue to teach me to not be afraid of love. Madison, you are such a special little girl. Thank you for loving me so completely. I thought you should know, just in case.

This morning I attended a meeting at Kayla's school to develop an education plan. She's been identified as "gifted". Its oddly very emotional for me. When Kayla was little everybody had an opinion about how I was raising her, and most of those opinions were not positive. Kayla was....precocious. She talked a lot, she asked a lot of questions, and she never just took what you said and believed it. She wanted to be a part of adult conversations and she never withheld her opinion. She was exhaustively, frustratingly, amazingly difficult. Her first grade teacher made her sit all alone because she talked too much and punished her by not letting her display her artwork in the classroom. I am so angry at myself for not sticking up for her back then. She was happy, and you could take away everything and she would still be happy entertaining herself with her fingers.

The part of this that is emotional is that seeing her max out these tests just makes all that stuff fall into place. It wasn't my parenting or lack of, it was just the amazing person she is.  She's just so damn smart, and funny, and happy, and beautiful. I am so proud of her it hurts. I'm actually allowing myself for the first time to believe that I am a pretty good mom. I make mistakes, God knows there are moments I would take back if I could, but these kids of mine know they are unconditionally loved.

So just in case I forget to tell you Kayla, Madison, and Eric...keep kicking ass. Your most frustrating characteristics are some of my favorite parts about you. Surround yourself with people who feel the same way. I have never spent one bored day as a mom, and I thank you with every fiber of my being for that.

Adventure Boy

Yesterday Eric packed a plastic storage bin with things he found around my room. He announced he was going on an adventure and asked me to call him "Adventure Boy". I had a look in his bin and he had packed a toothbrush, floss, a book, underwear, and shorts. It made me smile and I prayed for just a moment that Eric could just stay like this for a while longer. I want to hit "Pause" and stay in this moment with him for just a little longer. I feel him slipping away. I feel him getting older, more mature, and it kills me. I don't remember being this emotional with the girls but I imagine it has everything to do with the knowledge that there will be no more babies. I used to roll my eyes at the moms crying on the first day of kindergarten, and now I am that mom.

We got in the car to pick Maddie up from school and Eric said he needed to bring his "Adventure Box". As I was strapping him into his seat he looked at me and asked, "You want to go on an adventure with me? I could put your stuff in my box." This boy of mine? He kills me. I'd follow him anywhere.

Just In Case

May 5, 2011 marks 25 years since I lost my father. I know he loved me, I know that he cherished his role as daddy. I also know that he probably never once imagined that he wouldn't be around until he was an old man. Being the child of somebody who died way too young, I am not afforded the same naivety. So this blog is dedicated to the three kids who bring me immeasurable joy each and every day. Just in case I am not there someday to tell you all the stories, kiss away the sadness, and remind you just how blessed I feel to be your mom. Just in case my aging mind forgets the funny details, or you just need to be reminded. Just in case, I need you to know that when I reach the pearly gates and they ask me what my favorite part was, it was you.